Hellboy is swell, boy!

I'm only mildly ashamed to admit that I have spent uncountable hours of my life watching the DVD of Guillermo del Toro's 'Hellboy.' Maybe, when I look back on my life and wistfully regret never having time for the 'Illiad' or Kahil Gibran, I'll rethink guzzling a forty and putting Hellboy in the DVD player for the 857th time.

Yeah, right. Non je ne regrette rien motherfucker!

I think it pretty much owns the comic book movie world. And the DVD has enough extras to choke a horse. Good ones too.

So my expectations for 'Hellboy II: The Golden Army' were high. But I was still a bit leery. It's a sequel and we all know how that can go - it's either feast or famine. For every 'Godfather II' you get a 'Spiderman 3' or 'Herbie Goes to Kazbiekastan.'

And even the best sequels suffer with familiarity. Once they reveal the ham-fisted red guy with sawed-off devil nubs, you have to raise the bar even higher. Historically, this usually leads to
bringing in cute Cousin Oliver or Henry Kissinger bombing Cambodia.

'Golden Army' mostly sticks with the stuff that made the first Hellboy flick such a wild ride. Monsters and things-that-go-bump-in-the-night at every turn. There are lots of guys in rubber suits fighting like something out of Kaiju Battel. It's a nice change of pace from the usual heavy c.g.i. creatures that have taken over monster movies. Guillermo favors evil pixies and fairies this time around instead of the heavy-handed Satanic mumbo-jumbo we saw in the first flick.

Metaphysically speaking, the lack of Satanic imagery seems a bit intentional. Maybe Guillermo had some sort of religious crisis. The dude is called Hellboy for crissakes (sorry.) But I'm not sure if you would even understand the devil guy angle just from watching this movie. Well, maybe you wouldnt if they called him RED-BOY or something. And some of the elements here point to a more wicca/gaian sensibility.

Hancock, Punky Brewster and gettin' Jiggy with the Operating Thetans

Entertainment Weekly's review snarks that 'Hancock' might be some sort of Scientology-influenced fable:

"And, oh yes, there's that talk of angels, or is it some sci-fi race of extraterrestrials who'd feel at home in Battlefield Earth?"
- Entertainment Weekly /July 1 2008

I guess this has some connection to speculation that Mr. Smith is getting all jiggy with the e-meter. Mr. Smith issued a statement denying he is a member of the highly respected Hollywood organization. Willy says he was just sticking up for his home-slice, Tom Cruise.

He also refused comment about his relationship with the controversial Reverend Leroy of the Church of What's Happening Now!

I think Scientology is goofy as fuck, but enough already. Entertainment Weekly has such a hard-on for regurgitating tired pop culture references - like slamming Tom Cruise's favorite cargo-cult - that I'm beginning to feel sorry for Kirstie Alley. If I have to hear about Maverick jumping on Oprah's couch one more time, I'm going to slit my fucking wrists.

I think E.W. is run by a cult that brainwashes journalists into thinking Broadway musicals and Time-Warner's gay channel are actually interesting to anyone. If old-media is a sinking ship, the Time-Warner flag is flying from the crow's nest - and copies of Time magazine and Entertainment Weekly are pasted to the tits of the wooden mermaid on the bow.

Have you picked up a copy of Time magazine lately? It's almost five bucks and it's skimpy page-count is thinner than the Watchtower or a drugstore coupon book. And at least those are free.

Plus, they teach me the importance of donkeys and when sunflower seeds are B.O.G.O.

And really E.W. folks - 'Battleship Earth' jokes? You couldn't come up with something more relevant? Like maybe another Punky Brewster reference? (At least eight this year. See for yourself here.)

Now, where was I...

Oh yeah, Hancock. This movie kicks ass. I liked 'Iron Man' as much as the next geek but was it really anything to write home about? The last half was the same big battle we've seen a million times before. Same with the new Hulk flick. Except on the big screen, Sonic the Hedgehog always beats Dr. Robotnik.

Hancock has the requisite big bucks effects sequences but it really turns on a genuine story and a plot with at least a couple of interesting twists. Stuff happens that genuinely surprises you. Pretty big leap for a superhero flick.

Hancock isn't a masterpiece and it does have a bit of a mawkish, feel-good vibe, but that stuff is fairly minimal and the 12-step stuff goes by quickly. Visually, it's quite blazing. When the action starts, it flies along at a billion miles an hour. When things get all touchy-feely, the camera presses right into peoples faces until you can count their eyebrows. It's got a slick but fresh look.

And I've mentioned this phenomenon recently, but it bears repeating: if your cgi effects are a bit cheesy and you get out of them fast enough - and keep the scene zippy - no one will notice.

Go man! Go! Faster! Faster!

If I liked it enough to defend Scientology and Tom Cruise in the process, that tells you something.

And the opening chase scene is scored to J. Geils Band's "Whammer-Jammer." How cool is that?

More movies could use some of the ol' Magic Dick.

That's what she said!!

Zing!

Hold This Tiger

Bud Blake had a killer way with shapes and lines. Blake's unheralded strip 'Tiger' ran for almost forty years in a zillion papers. You could erase all the text in a 'Tiger' strip and still know all you need to know about the characters from the superb artwork. I'm surprised Blake never worked in animation. His stuff is so kinetic and action oriented.

Imagine if 'Hi & Lois' ever got off their asses and did something. Maybe if Hi ever put down his goddamn pipe and newspaper and played catch with Chip, he wouldnt be such a surly proto-emo kid, lounging on his bed all day reading funny books.

Maybe if Hiram Flagstone wasn't so lazy, he would notice his infant daughter Trixie has been in the sun too long and is starting to hear voices.

Did you know that Lois Flagstone is Beetle Bailey's sister? I swear this is true, it was printed on the computer internet.

But I digress...

Some nice examples of 'Tiger' and Blake's earlier gag panel work here.

Check out the lettering on Blake's self-penned NCS bio.