I Watches the Watchmen

• Yeah, it's good. Real good.

For nerds only? Maybe, a bit. A lot of what makes "Watchmen" great is built on the expectations and familiar tropes of the genre. You expect action and razzle-dazzle and plenty of that is on display here. But you also get middle-age crisis, erectile-dysfunctioning caped crusaders and um, rape.

• The ending is a bit dumbed - but not in the way we have been led to believe.

The much ballyhooed loss of a giant squid destroying New York City has been harpooned in favor of a grimmer, more conventional denouement involving some random nukes. That's a pretty arbitrary move but it's not as distracting as what follows: a tacked-on montage of the city apparently rebuilding as two of the leads make some rah-rah voiceover speech about continuing their superhero mission. It's obvious, awkward fodder for a possible sequel. Don't act so surprised. But if you thought Alan Moore was pissed about this movie being made at all, wait until he gets wind of a sequel.

• It's also very long. But it's never boring.

Face it, everything is too long. Especially when you take "can't-touch-this" material and give it to a hot director who knows how to read the fanboy tea leaves. And the DVD will be even longer. An intermission would have been nice but what-the-heck. You gets your moneys worth. Lots of bits and pieces from the book are missing - even at close to three hours - and the DVD release is going to be almost as hotly debated an event as the theatrical launch.

• It's surprisingly, satisfyingly violent.

Arguments can be made that the "Watchmen" is an anti-violence screed, showing the futility of war - blah blah blah. And that the heaps of violence in the film contradict that a bit. I'm not buying it. But the film is quite a bit more explicitly violent than the book.

Those clever fucks at the AVClub.com have published this nice book-to-movie comparison.

The Monster Times

The "Monster Times" was a day-glo, biweekly newspaper that scraped Forrest J. Ackerman's "Famous Monsters" formula and dragged it kicking and screaming through 1970s-era Times Square.

The brainchild of a couple Warren Publishing ex-pats, "Monster Times" had the distinct grit and grime of New York City circa "Taxi Driver". With lurid duo tone printing and coarse halftones - it was whispered to be some kind of bastard cousin to Al Goldstein's "Screw" magazine. In format and design they were practically identical - folded over tabloids with bright eye-catching colors and shameless call-outs to venture inside. A few years later, Jim Steranko's "ComicScene" (later "MediaScene") took the same weird, halved-tabloid format and polished it up a bit with mixed results.

"Screw" was fueled by a shaky foundation of prostitution and massage parlors ads while the terrain of "Monster Times" was the equally suspect world of classic horror and grindhouse cinema. Like the Warren mag's "Captain Company" pages, "Monster Times" featured lots of in-house ads selling all sorts of horror/fantasy ephemera. (I vaguely remember a dealer at Phil Seuling's early N.Y.C. cons who featured M.T. back-issues and a product lines identical to the ones in the magazine.) Even better, the 'Times' kept a keen eye on comics and television of the sort that were generally ignored by the fairly limited, retro-focus of "Famous Monsters." One of the only places to go for info on Star Trek, the Green Hornet, Bernie Wrightson's "Frankenstein" etc. It had the spirit and energy of a mimeographed zine with a more polished look and feel.

Fangoria plans to revitalize the "Times" brand via an online archive of sorts. They promise to make the entire run available - albeit via a clunky online "magazine reader" application that leaves something to be desired.

Fragile and brittle back issues of the "Monster Times" have a tendency to fall apart in your hands, so this may be the only way for future gorehounds to appreciate the 'Times' slightly-off, always entertaining voice.

Somebody Watched "The Watchmen"

Via Reuters and the Hollywood Reporter, the first review I've seen of "The Watchmen."

Not much enthusiasm or depth of insight in the review. A pretty dry review that you might expect from a trade journal of sorts. They even go so far as to peg the film a flop. That just seems like showboating for no particular reason other than being iconoclastic. But you won't be swayed either way by this particular write-up. I doubt it will be a flop and I'm sure it will be damn interesting - even if it's a fail.

Here's another review - this time from Australia. It was filed at 12AM on February 27, they must be racing to get out there as early as possible.

What they are saying in the land down under sounds a bit more interesting:
"The story teems with weirdness and wild adventure..."

"It won't be forgotten in a hurry..."

"But many extremely violent scenes earning it an MA 15+ rating will hamper its blockbuster hopes. Sex, politics, a nuclear holocaust, copious blood splattering and bone shattering could make Watchmen's mammoth 160 minutes an ordeal for some."

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Smashing Hanson Trick of Wayne

From Billboard.com
"Former Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha, Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos, Hanson's Taylor Hanson and Fountains Of Wayne bassist Adam Schlesinger have formed a new band, Tinted Windows."

Is this for real? Sounds like a pretty damn amazing band if you ask me. It's a power-pop supergroup. All they need now is Ron Dante singing lead (and a Saturday-morning cartoon show. And flexi-discs on the backs of cereal boxes.)

**P.S. Ron Dante's website has a free MP3 of a truly amazing song:
"Aunt Matilda's Double Yummy Blow Your Mind Out Brownies"

"..Alice is there and the rabbit is too,
Everyone there is waiting for you..."

The mind reels. My new favorite song.

Behind the Scenes of 'Coraline'

Sculptor Damon Bard's website has some very cool images of 'Coraline' maquettes and models as well as a couple shots of the large scale sets.

Mr. Bard is apparently the go-to-guy for this kind of sculpting and development. Besides 'Coraline' he has created sculpts for 'Ratatouille', 'Madagascar', 'Over the Hedge' and all sorts of interesting projects. Geeks of all ages will appreciate this early version of a 'Mars Attacks' dude.

I wish I could create characters in clay and just scan the damn things. CGI modeling is not the way to create interesting organic-looking models. As I write, I am struggling to create a passable, on-model version of Quick Draw McGraw in Lightwave. Not an easy task.

'Coraline' => 'Nightmare Before Christmas'

Not much I'm going to be able to add to the deserved buzz around Henry Selick's 'Coraline' other than to implore you to see it as soon as possible. 'Coraline' is miles beyond "Nightmare Before Christmas" both technically and aesthetically. And it's much more fun than the flawed (but still interesting) "James and the Giant Peach."

My only real caveat is the 3D presentation and that's probably my own damn problem. I've got a pretty wack lazy eye and my depth-perception is rather lacking in the real world. I have been watching 3D stuff in theatres since at least 'Jaws 3D' and have never seen anything that works for me (with the exceptions being certain parts of Disneyland's 'Captain EO' and the title credits of 'Friday the 13th 3D.') So the 3D effect was lost on me. I am almost wholly depth-perception challenged-please feel free to direct me to the appropriate support group.

I will note for the record that the snazzy glasses were quite comfortable and while the depth effect was nil (to me) it was akin to watching an ordinary print (although I still had to wear the glasses.) I flipped the faux-Ray Bans up from time to time and noticed that sometimes the image looked like a normal print (although a bit brighter, like a slightly over-exposed print) and the 3D stuff was only used in scenes where it would deliver a really pronounced effect. 3D only seems to work on stuff moving along a horizontal access. So putting it out in 3D may have been an afterthought. A couple obvious in-your-face tricks stand out but nothing that is going to seem inappropriate if you have to see this in plain ol' 2-dimensions.

Probably one of the best looking stop-motion works ever.

Jerry Beck's Cartoon Brew led me to some interesting articles on 'Coraline' and Henry Selick. Like a cool interview with Selick here on the AVClub and another one over at Aint It Cool.

Batman's Bad Thoughts (Part Deux)

From Superdickery.com your one-stop source for all things related to comic-book innuendo.
Courtesy of my brother, John.

Bond Reboot Redux

I haven't been hearing a lot of love for 'Quantum of Solace' - the new Daniel Craig Bond flick. I'm not sure why. I've read a couple begrudgingly positive reviews alongside complaints that Bond wasn't forthcoming in giving the ladies his Golden Gun.

(If you know what I mean.)

I don't think that the only thing going for the previous outing was the fresh take on the tired super-spy genre. It was a lot more than that. Babes, violence, Aston-Martins. What more could you ask for?

The latest go-round is about as perfect an Indiana Jones flick as you could ever ask for. Heck, it pretty much beats all the Bond flicks and 'Raiders' sequels combined. If you're looking for non-stop action and thrills. 'Solace' is basically an endless loop of chases and battles.

And I mean that as the highest praise.

The Taxonomy of Douchebaggery

The depth of weirdness on Wikipedia is fascinating and a source of endless amusement. You can troll entries and quibble over various points of fact and fiction, but the real whack stuff lies slightly hidden from view on the discussion pages that accompany the main articles. In addition to the more serious raging debates on varieties of Pokemon, you can find gems such as this meeting of future Nobel prize committee members.

It's an exhaustive debate about what exactly constitutes 'pop punk' and was apparently authored by a network of chimpanzees wearing Doc Martens and consuming way too much candy. It's entertaining to say the least.

If this is indicative of the kind of scholarship that lurks behind the average Wikipedia entry you might wanna rethink consulting their safety guidelines for d.i.y. bathtub amphetamines.

Just saying, that's all.

If you have ever engaged in this argument, please stick your wet hand hand in the nearest toaster.

Pete Wentz died for our sins.

I cribbed this topic from the Onion's AV Club.

Dik Browne Appreciation Society

Ger Apeldoorn has some neat Dik Browne stuff on his blog. Lots of advertising bits, panel gags and large scans of early 'Hi & Lois' Sunday pages.

The piece below is apparently part of the handout used to sell 'Hi & Lois.'
Click the image for a larger version.
More here...

Lost on Mars?

"Life on Mars" ABC Thursdays 10PM
Jason O'Mara,Harvey Keitel,Michael Imperioli,Gretchen Mol

Does anyone still watch network television? Maybe the unfortunate few still twisting rabbit ears for a dose of "Dancing with the Stars" are the primary audience. Maybe it's the few remaining denizens of the great wasteland who can't afford cable or a dish. And don't forget college students and convicts. Every once in a while "ratings analysts" bring that old chestnut out to justify the lack of desirable demographics for some sexy new show. I have spent enough time in colleges and correctional facilities and I promise you they all have cable.

In the past the big networks underwrote an entire sub-industry of people who would produce hundreds of hours of terrible pilot shows that were destined to be seen by exactly no one. It was a shotgun approach that made sense because they had so much goddamn money they could afford to make 100 hours of crap and let the rare gem that emerged from the sphincter of Hollywood underwrite the 99 turds that sunk to the bottom.

Those were the good old days.

These days, the pilot biz is pretty much toast. Network TeeVee 2.0 is looking to hit a more reliable vein and has taken to plundering various off-shore sources.

'The Office' is probably the most successful example of this trend. Exporting racy South American telenovellas? Not so much.

It's not really a new idea - 'All in the Family' and 'Sanford & Son' were ripped off from British models many moons ago.

ABC's new 'Life on Mars' is based on a BBC show although it's hard to imagine a very exciting retro 1970's cop show with Ford Cortinas and gun-challenged London Bobbies on bicycles.

Harvey Keitel on a network TV show? Who knew that would ever happen? Good ol' craggy faced Harv' reading the proverbial phone book would be enough for me to check it out at least once.

'Life on Mars' is a weird amalgam of cop show and science-fiction. A present-day NYC copper gets slammed by a car and finds himself transported to Serpico-land circa 1973. It's a pretty graceless way to time travel. The premise soon turns up a few existential notches beyond this rather crude jumping-off point. Maybe he's dreaming, maybe he's brain-damaged, maybe it has something to do with the vaguely Wall*E robot that makes a mysterious appearance in the second episode.

Based on the two episodes we've seen, 'Mars' is basically a mystery/procedural with a pretty cool gimmick. Sprinkled throughout are various kooky-spooky bits that feel pulled from the playbook of 'Lost' or 'Twin Peaks.' An interesting approach for a cop show , but if you look at the track records of the aforementioned, you're going to end up with a lot of pissed-off viewers when the whole thing doesn't really end up making much sense.

It's worth a look. But what happens if the whole thing goes down in flames after a season or so? Are viewers going to be happy with a tie-in comic book wrapping up the loose threads? I flew the coop after a few episodes of 'Heroes' for exactly that reason. It was interesting but I wrongly smelled the stench of death on it. Maybe I was wrong about 'Heroes', but I am nothing if not commitment averse.

Besides, I still don't understand what really happened with Laura Palmer.

Like it says in one of the classic rock gems sprinkled throughout 'Life on Mars', I won't get fooled again.

"One Thousand Things" No. 1 in a Series of 1000

Kentucky Fried Chicken, 10 Piece Bucket, Original Recipe.
No thank you, Mr. Flavor Flav. I still think extra-crispy is weird. I'm scared and confused when I think "crispiness" might be some weird food technology additive. The other day the guy behind the counter at the gas station pointed to an unpronounceable, exotic chemical ingredient listed on the wrapper of my Slim-Jims.

"You know what that stuff is?"
Wait for it, I'm thinking...
"Worms. They put earthworms in there."

I guess that's possible. Maybe they arrive at the Slim-Jim factory in pellet-form, encased in 55-gallon drums looking innocuous and benign. I do know that nobody at the Slim-Jim factory actually eats the stuff. Maybe the president of the Slim-Jim factory takes a bite out of one for the occasional photo opp. Still, I bet he lies when his kids ask him what he does for a living.

Slim-Jims are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.
-Otto von Bismarck

He was a wise man, Mr. Bismarck. In addition to his stint as sovereign leader of Lower Bismarckia he spent several years as a popular rapper.

So anyway, I got a big ol' bucket of KFC "original recipe" the other night. It's been a while and I missed the Colonel. It's quite spendy to expect people to shell out $20 bucks at a place with fluorescent lights where handi-wipes are an essential part of the experience. Especially since the last two items usually signal a "happy ending" is right around the corner.

KFC seems to be one of those foodstuffs that everyone maligns and no one ever cops to actually scoring. Like Domino's or Arby's. And I happen to enjoy all three of the aforementioned second-tier fast-food emporiums. Heck, Hardee's is carving out quite the niche by offering burgers that are the caloric and fat-equivalent of a picnic cooler filled with Big Macs.

I say: more power to them. This Bud's for you!...second-tier also-rans of the fast-food omniverse! I tip my hat to Carls Jr., FatBurger and of course, White Castle Systems.